Living in a Disabled World

I should have known the 13th August was not going to be a good day.  It started off with me falling out with my boss.  He has been really supportive about me only going into work now and then.  I had holiday booked anyway for 11 days but had been in either side for the odd morning.  I had asked him if he wanted me to get signed off by my doctor and he said no don’t worry about it, then out of the blue an email in the morning to say he needed a sick note back dated until Monday.  I felt quite upset and hurt, we had agreed I could go into work when I wanted and work at home with a sick note I would not be able to work at all.  HR suggested I get signed off for a month and then review it after then.  Of course thinking about it rationally I have no other choice than to be signed off, it probably isn’t a good idea for me or anyone else that I am at work but work is my only one constant apart from K and O.

Then in the afternoon I had  a midwife and doctors appointment.  I asked K if he wanted to come with me, I was hoping to be able to hear our babies heartbeat, although we have seen it a few times now we haven’t heard it to hear it would be very special another memory to treasure.  The doctors appointment went well it was for the dermotology clinic nothing serious, the doctor was lovely and I don’t have to go back again.  Then we went into see the midwife, O was getting restless by now and starting to play up a bit, he was hot, tired and fed up and probably sick of being dragged from hospital to doctors all the time.   The midwife said there were support services that could help us as we have no support network here which was to be highlighted even more to us later in the day.

She then offered to listen for our babies heartbeat, this was the only reason why I had come to the appointment the chance to hear our baby.  She tried for a long time to listen, I could hear the placenta and other swishing noises but no heartbeat.  I then realised she was really low in my womb trying to hear, he isn’t normally down there but higher up.  I had felt him in the morning wiggling.  I felt my tummy and couldn’t find him he was so low down.  The midwife tried to be positive about it and said her machine wasn’t very good and with the baby being poorly that was why she couldn’t hear. 

The Midwife rang the local hospital to see if they would quickly scan us but they wouldn’t, they didn’t have time the next day either so she then rang the hospital in Taunton.  They had noone available and noone the next day either labour ward were too busy.  However the midwife at Taunton said she would ring back.  The phone rang minutes later and Mr Fox my consultant was at the hospital and said if I could get there within the hour he would scan me.  By this time O had become so upset K had taken him out to the car.  I rushed out to say we needed to drive to Taunton a 30 minute drive away, 45 minutes at 5pm as it was.

O was screaming in the back of the car by now as he wanted Mario Kart which I had promised him, K was upset as we left the car park and didn’t see the pedestrian crossing at the zebra crossing I screamed and he missed him.  This wasn’t how it was meant to be.  It was all going wrong and out of our control again.

We drove to Taunton and managed to find somewhere to park at the hospital, all the maternity unit has been modernised since I was last there with O.  I waited for Mr Fox to come down from his office.  K stayed in the car with O who had fallen asleep, exhausted, hungry and thirsty.  What was I doing to us?  As I sat and waited I started to come to terms with what this meant.  I knew there was still a chance they would find the heartbeat but how many times could we go through rushing to the hospital to see if our baby was still alive or not?

Mr Fox arrived he was lovely and softly spoken the same as the other times I had seen him.  I saw him when I had to decide on an amnio with O and also after my first mc when he performed the ERPC.  He asked me how would I feel if my baby had died.  I responded “I expect him to die at somepoint, but I will be very sad”  I managed to choke this out between the tears.  He said “will it be a relief?”  I didn’t answer because I didn’t know the answer to that question at the time.  In some ways I guess it would be a relief in others, no because that meant all hope had gone.

He started the scan he said it would take a while to have a good look around and review all the structures.  He turned the volume up several times to listen, nothing.  Our baby was slipping away further.  He explained that he had a good look and could see no heart action at all.  I asked if the baby moved at all as he had been quite active on previous scans he shook his head.  He then explained I had 2 options, I could take a tablet and then come back 2 days later to have labour induced or I could wait and see what happened, see if labour would start itself in the next few weeks.  I asked was he 100% sure the baby had gone, he said he would show me so I knew.  He scanned me again showing me where the babies heart was and that there was no heart flow and no movement.  There was a little flicker just outside the babies chest of colour but no regular pulse and he wasn’t sure what that was, possibly the umbilical cord.  Our baby was still, I could see his hands and they didn’t move.

I decided to take the tablet, I don’t think I could wait weeks or months to deliver my baby, equally I don’t want to ever let him go but know i have to.  I asked Mr Fox what would happen to my baby and he said we have some choices.  The hospital chaplin can do a service and bury our baby for us if we want or he can do it privately without us there, the other option is the hospital can dispose of him.  I asked about would we find out what had gone wrong, he said we could have a full post mortem or send some placenta and baby tissue (skin) away for testing or we could just do nothing.  I don’t want the post mortem I don’t want our baby cut up and studied but would like to know what is wrong with him so think the placenta and skin tissue will be the option.  I will get to see my baby if I want to when he is born and will be able to hold him, K doesn’t want to and I can understand that but I need to.  I am scared of what he will look like but he’s my baby.

Everyone at the hospital was very nice.  I took the tablet that was given me to prepare my cervix for labour.  They said as I was being induced there is an increased risk of my c section scar rupturing but only a small one.  They have a special room for bereaved parents to give birth in and that is where we will be 10am on Friday 15th August.

On the way home it quickly became apparent that we had no one to look after O for us on Friday.  I knew my mother wouldn’t come at short notice as she wouldn’t pay the airfare.  My brother is the other side of the world.  I have two elderly grandparents that could not look after O.  K has aunts and uncles in the midlands they would have to be our first hope.  I have a cousin in Stanmore maybe she would be able to help she has 2 small children.  When we got home K rang his Mum who rang around his family.  She called us back everyone was busy the flights from Spain to here were very expensive and she only went home on Monday after going on holiday with us to Wales.  I didn’t have my cousins number so rang my uncle, he rang me back.  They were in France and my cousin away at Soul Survivor until Saturday.  There was no one else all my friends are at work.  My Mum rang at that point I didn’t ask her to come over and help us but she made it clear she wouldn’t at such short notice and it would be too expensive….  Not sure what my mother thought would happen when my baby died did she expect me to warn her 2 weeks in advance so she could plan.  It was clear we were on our own.  K suggested we contact social services to see if they could help but I would rather go through labour on my own than have O looked after by people he didn’t know in a strange place.

Just as I had resigned myself to going this alone K’s Mum rang back she had found some flights and was arriving at 1300 on the 14th she would book a flight home when we were ready for her to go.  We will pay the cost of the flight here it’s the least we can do we will just have to be careful with our finances for a while but some things are worth more than money.